5th Grade

You’re in the 5th grade, and its been a tough frickin' year. As you’re sitting alone at recess, Donnie, the school bully, is coming at you to kick your butt on the playground. This is the jerk that’s beaten you up before with his A-hole buddies. This time, though, there’s a guy named Jospeh that runs up and says he’s “got your back!” Joseph isn’t really your friend; in fact you don’t even like him that much— but he has won some fights against bullies like Donnie before, and he’s offering to defend you. You look around for your best friend Bernard because he convinced you last month that he got a black belt from Tom Bloom’s Karate Studio over by Tony’s Pizza and is some kind of ninja now. But he’s nowhere in sight. 

Suddenly, a waterfall of thoughts come cascading into your head. You remember how Donnie somehow became school president last year despite being a 13-year old that flunked so many times he was still in the 4th grade. You remember how he won by bullying his opponent, a 5th grader with straight A’s that unfortunately had a few things going against her: First, she was a girl (which is pretty yucky to a lot of boys). Second, let’s be honest, she maybe had the cooties. Third, there was a rumor going around about her reading peoples’ diaries. Fourth, no one ever particularly liked her, even though she was “going out” with a well-liked middle schooler that had been school president a few years ago. It probably didn’t help that the whole school found out he played “spin-the-bottle” without her while he was Prez. I've heard people like her better now since she culminated elementary school.

Anyway, in the same moment, you remember how bullying became way worse at your school after Donnie got elected, and you remember that Donnie is running again. Then you remember that Joseph is running against him now and that Bernard had been running, too. Joseph and Bernard had both put up similar posters around school with a promise to protect kids like you from bullies like Donnie. Sadly, Bernard dropped out last week because he couldn’t convince the rest of the school he was the ninja they needed (or simply that ninjas aren’t scary). After dropping out, Bernard made a youtube video to re-affirm that he is indeed a ninja, but that Joseph is the next best guy to protect you from guys like Donnie who find joy in giving “wedgies” and “swirlies” to the freaks and geeks. This makes you long for third grade, back when your hero, Barry, a fifth grader with perfect grades, was Prez. Everyone you liked thought he was cool despite him being a member of the chess club and looking a little “different" than most kids. You remember how against all odds he got elected because he was just nice to everyone— except to the biggest bully of them all who, let's be serious for a sec, he had seal team 6 kill. But back to 5th grade... You remember the IG story he recently posted reminding everyone that Joseph was his Vice Prez, and how you were all fine with him and felt safe with him up until Bernard started telling all the younger kids he was a ninja that could protect them better.  

Now, as all these thoughts pass and Donnie runs at you, knowing Barry culminated two years ago, and Bernard is elsewhere (probably over by the lunch tables practicing his karate), you have a split-second decision to make: Do you let Joseph come to your defense, giving you a shot at defeating Donnie together, or do you tell Joseph to scram and get your butt kicked again? You remember that Donnie once bragged about grabbing girls "by the pussy."

The choice is obvious.